Just for Laugh

Hey guys, i just found out some jokes in my guild's forum and they're pretty fun.
Let's check it out.

1)

One day Ah Bee And Ah Hua Are Getting Married.

So Ah Bee's Father Told Ah Bee That On The Wedding Night That To Make Ah Hua Happy ,
He Will Have To Lick The Place Where Ah Hua Urine For Some Time.

The Next Day , Ah Hua Was Crying To Her Father-In-Law.

Why?

Because Ah Bee Was In The Toilet Licking The Toilet Bowl Whole Night.

2)

A guy died and went to hell,
in hell, the demon guard told him that heaven was full,,
so he would have to replace someone from hell.
And that someone has already been suffering for long enough,
and he will be sent to heaven.

So de guy was brought to 3 rooms which he could choose from.

Inside the first room,
he saw another Demon Guard and a guy,
he was mortified and the Demon was peeling off the guy's skin.
He immediately refused that room.

Inside the second room,
he saw another Demon Guard and another guy.
This time, de Demon was chopping the guy's hands into tiny pieces.
Again, the guy refused the room

Inside the third room,
he saw a Guy and a Girl.
The girl was giving the guy a blowjob.
The guy thought, I would love to replace this guy
So he told de Demon Guard, I want this room

The Demon Guard nodded his head,
he pointed to the girl and said
\\"You're free to go to Heaven.\\"

3)

A guy died went to hell,
in hell, the Demon Guard, told him to choose a room,
to serve his punishment.

Inside the First room,
all those being punished,
were balancing on their heads,
on cement flooring.
The guy was afraid of pain,
so he refused the room.

Inside the Second room,
all those being punished,
were balancing on their heads,
on spiky wooden boards.
The guy refused again,
knowing it would hurt more.

Inside de Third room,
all those being punished,
were standing in knee-deep cowdung,
drinking coffee and chatting.
The guy immediately agreed to that room.

The Demon Guard, told him to stand in de cowdun first,
while he went to fetch a cup of coffee for him.
The guy had barely stood in de cowdung for a minute when..
\\"ALL THOSE IN ROOM THREE,
YOUR COFFEE BREAK IS OVER,
GET BACK ON YOUR HEADS!\\"

4)

Once upon a time, there was an army group.
The general wanted to train up his soldiers properly,
so that in times of danger,
they would be ready and defend their country bravely.

So, he made all his soldiers stand in snow naked,
he believed that it would train their edurance.
So, all the soldiers, reluctantly stripped and stepped out into the Snow.
They were made to stand at attention for 24 hours,
before they could take a break.

The general inspected them,
he notice one soldier slouching a little,
he took his baton and smacked the soldier's back.
The general asked \\"Does it hurt?\\"
The soldier replied \\"No sir.\\"
The general asked \\"Why not?\\"
The soldier replied \\"Because I am a proud US soldier!\\"

he notice one soldier's head tilted
he took his baton and smacked the soldier's head.
The general asked \\"Does it hurt?\\"
The soldier replied \\"No sir.\\"
The general asked \\"Why not?\\"
The soldier replied \\"Because I am a proud US soldier!\\"

he notice one soldier's hand holding his dick
he took his baton and smacked the soldier's dick.
The general asked \\"Does it hurt?\\"
The soldier replied \\"No sir.\\"
The general asked \\"Why not?\\"
The soldier replied \\"Because it belongs to the guy behind me!\\"

5)

Tarzan and Jane wanted to have sex,
so Tarzan searched the jungle for a Condom Shop.

The shopowner gave him one, and guaranteed satisfaction.
The next day, Tarzan returned with a complaint
\\"Tarzan mmph, Jane mmph, Condom PIAK!\\"

The shopowner asked why was he so violent and
gave Tarzan a steel condom instead.
The next day, Tarzan returned with a complaint
\\"Tarzan mmph, Jane mmph, Condom PIAK!\\"

The shopowner gave Tarzan a titanium condom,
the shopowner was very sure, it would not break anymore.
The next day, Tarzan returned with a complaint
\\"Tarzan mmph, Condom mmph, Jane PIAK!\\"

6)


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one
night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down
and saw her husband was
holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vib rator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a
real one.

She went completely ballistic. \\"You impotent rat,\\" She
screamed at him, \\"How could you be lying to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!\\"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
\\"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.\\"


7)

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived
home from work to find the children bathed, one load of
laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove,
and the table set. She was
astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article
that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own
housework were too tired to have s e x.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office
friends all about it. \\"We had a great dinner. Ralph even
cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded
all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the
evening.\\"

\\"But what about afterward?\\" asked her friends.

\\"Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..\\"

God is good.

Cool

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says
to
Frank, \\"You know we could make a lot of money running our
own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico.\\"

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord,
insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As
they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to
assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them
at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd,
they thought it would be a good idea to give a
demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back
up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls
again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is
bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls
again and bounces back
up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got
a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,
\\"What happened? Was the cord too long?\\"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, \\"No, the Bungee cord was
fine...it was the crowd!....What the H E L L is a piñata?!\\"

9)

this american man ask his chinese cousin 2 take care of his shop for one day

but the chinese man onli noe how 2 say \\"$2.50\\" and \\"of course\\" and \\"if you dont someone else will\\"

the first customer walked in. he asked how much was a ps2

the chinese man said \\"$2.50\\"

he said \\" r u sure?? \\"

the chinese man \\"of course\\"

he said \\"it mite b fake,mabbe i should not buy it\\"

the chinese man \\"if you dont someone else will\\"

the man bought the ps2

the second customer came in, the small boy wanted one little lollypop

the chinese man \\"$2.50\\"

small boy \\"why so ex?? isit that nice??\\"

the chinese man \\"of course\\"

small boy \\"i have 2 use all mi money 2 buy it\\"

the chinese man \\"if you dont some1 else will\\"

the small boy bought the little lollipop

then a robber came in, he took out a gun and ask how much he has in the shop

chinese man \\"$2.50\\"

robber \\"shut up,are you playing around with mi??\\"

chinese man \\"of course\\"

robber \\"do u wan mi 2 shoot u??\\"

chinese man \\"if u dont some1 else will\\"


Zen Sarcasm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

2. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone
else.

3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet

4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.

6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.

7. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.

8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither
one works.

9. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.

10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

11. If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

12. I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

13. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

14. Never try to drown your troubles... especially if she can swim.

15. Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

16. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

17. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station.

18. Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which,
without them, we wouldn't have.

19. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

20. Girls are like internet domain names...
the ones I like are already taken.

21. Finally 21 and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing since 15.

22. Success is relative- the more success, the more relatives.

___________________________________________________

The moment you are in TENSION

You will lose your ATTENTION

Then you are in total CONFUSION

and you'll feel IRRITATION
This may spoil your personal RELATIONS
Untimately, you won't get COOPERATION
And get things into COMPLICATION

Then you may raise CAUTION.
And you have to take MEDICATION
Why not try understanding the SITUATION

And try to think about the SOLUTION

Many problems will be solved by DISCUSSION
Which will work out better in your PROFESSION

Don't think this is a free SUGGESTION

It is only for your PREVENTION
If you understand my INTENTION
You'll never come again into TENSION!!!!!


___________________________________________________

You are Chinese
One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.

Love me?
Do you believe in LOVE at first sight or do I have to walk by again? ?

The more - The Less
The more I learn the more I get to know, the more I know the more I forget, the more I forget the less I know, so why should I be learning??

Woman charges
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $$$ per minute.

Butt Cheek
What did one butt cheek say to the other cheek? 'If we stick together we can stop this nuts!

Robbery Now
Robbery Now! Raise ur hands! women stand @ right, men left! half-man-half- woman centre! HEY U! yes u! stand centre! don't pretend looking @ the handphone!

Remind me
Please remind me to remind you about reminding me to send you this reminder that reminds me of reminding you that I AM THERE FOR YOU. Don't forget.

Moon is beautiful
I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful... I look at you.. I.. I... I'd rather look at the moon again..

Good Bra
A good friend is like a good bra... hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive- prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!

Why dosen't it rain?
The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
 
excuse me papi
Some tale from ur post. Did you change it from vietnamese into Eng
I read it in vietnamese before :) So i was really ..
 
An Arabian was interviewed at the US Embassy.

- Consul: What is your name?

- Arab. : Abdul Aziz

- Consul: Sex?

- Arab.: Six to twelve times a week.

- Consul: I mean, Male or female?

- Arab.: Both male and female, sometimes even camels.

- Consul: Holy cow!

- Arab.: Yes, cows and dogs too.

- Consul: Man, isn't it hostile?

- Arab.: Horse style, dog style, any style.

- Consul: Oh dear!

- Arab.: Deer? No deer, they run too fast.
 
Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)
- Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
- Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
- Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
- Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
- Caller: I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
- Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
- Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)?as involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital.
- Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this.
 
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a ******* checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a ******* checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no ******* problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the ******* lottery and I want to open a ******* checking account in this ******* bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this ******* b!tch giving you a hard time?"

===================================================
1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

=========================================
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

========================================

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange... of course



What do you mean you failed??!!!!!
=========================================
TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN

(and what they really mean)

10. I think of you as a brother = (you remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance)

9. There's a little difference in our ages = (You are one Jurassic geezer)

8. I'm not attracted to you in "that" way = (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on)

7. My life if too complicated right now = (I don't want you spending the whole night, or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)

6. I've got a boyfriend = (Who's really my male cat)

5. I don't date men where I work = (Hey bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building)

4. It's not you, it's me = (It's not me, it's you)

3. I'm concentrating on my career = (even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you)

2. I'm celibate = (I've sworn off only the men like you)

and the number one rejection line given by women... (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends = (I want you to stick around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with)


TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN

(and what they really mean)

10. I think of you as a sister = (you're ugly)

9. There's a slight difference in age = (you're ugly)

8. I'm not attracted to you in "that" way = (you're ugly)

7. My life's too complicated right now = (you're ugly)

6. I've got a girlfriend = (you're ugly)

5. I don't date women where I work = (you're ugly)

4. It's not you, it's me = (you're ugly)

3. I'm concentrating on my career = (you're ugly)

2. I'm celibate = (you're ugly)

and the number one rejection line given by men... (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends = (you're ugly)

=================================================================
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...











(Keep scrolling...)































"The teeth."

=====================================================

25 Signs You Have Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question..
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
===============================================================

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly" funded a project with U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!" Only Kentucky was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'".

================================================================


The badass
A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the bartender says, "If you are such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."

The customer says, "No problem, name it."

The bartender says, "Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. Third, there's a hooker upstairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up there and make her cum."

The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the bar. After that he says, "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes the man to the back room and shuts the door.

For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says, "OK, where's the hooker with the abcessed tooth?"
 
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C.Pennys and she was crying her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong, and she said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."

I said :"Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said; "Well, so why are you crying?" She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2 a.m."

I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!!!!!!"
===========================================


Cool Person Test

Top 10 things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with you back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing in golf that sounds dirty but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

================================

To: All Employees
From: Management

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for employment outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to Get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

==================================================

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell dumb?"

Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb" The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb".

Now spell "stupid".

Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid".

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands an says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla say my dictate good."

=====================================

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.







This should be easy for a person of your mental powers. Scroll down.













"SEVEN UP"

===============================================

Having a REAL bad day

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped . The stretcher dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day...
 
I like the letter from management department. That one nearly killed me.
 
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

======================================

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

==========================================

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.

She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy

Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who.

==============================================

As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

================================================

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

==============================================

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

==========================================================
There is a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what kind of costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a "pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple!"
 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

===============================================

A lady walks into a bar and hears a man playing the piano in the corner. She liked the piano playing, so she decides to walk over and compliment him. "Your a really good piano player" she says "Actually" the man says, "There is a 12 inch tall man that sits inside my piano and plays on the chords." "Are you sure?" Says the lady. "Yes, go ahead and lift up the piano lid and you'll see him," said the man.

So she lifts up the piano lid and sure enough, there was a 12 inch tall man sitting in there playing on the chords and he waved at her.

The lady then said, "Where did you find this guy?" The man replied, "Do you see that genie bottle over there? Just go rub on it and the genie will grant you one wish."

So the lady went over to the bottle and rubbed it. Sure enough, out pops the genie and tells her that he will grant her one wish only.

The lady then says, "Well, I've always wanted to be rich, so I wish for a million bucks."

All of a sudden a million ducks appeared everywhere, on the piano, chairs, tables and even out on the streets. The woman got upset and went over to the man playing the piano and said, "I wished for a million bucks and not a million ducks".

The man replied, "I knew that, did you think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

============================================

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch." The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "May I help you with this painting? 'he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" " Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting.

The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

=======================================

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

==============================================

"In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed and extremely fat."

"Who are safer drivers? Men, or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman. [Crowd groans.] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you? [Laughter] Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women."

============================================
 
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny and potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says, "here, if you take these you'll go wild for twelve hours!" The guy responds, "Great! Gimme three boxes!"

The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror at man's black and blue member.

The man says, "I'm gonna need some Ben Gay cream."

The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT are you?"

"Nope, it's for my arms ... the girls didn't show up."

==========================================

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drives off to the right and the other drives off to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

===========================================

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God: "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

================================================

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?

===========================================

With a puzzled look on his face, an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm??"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my older sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son,

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

===========================================

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."

"Except what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ******* deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said

"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

Businessman "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...

"Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

===========================================

It seems that a young couple had just gotton married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said "I wonder why they never came down to eat."

The groom's young brother said "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh shut up I don't want to heat what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said "Mommy I think..."

"Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."

=============================================

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father."

"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree."

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

================================================

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday.

One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy asked themif he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said,"Sure."

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends became curious of what the man did for a living so they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. They kinda laughed. The man said, "No, really! I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"

The stranger said, "Sure." So the man looked for a second and said, YEAH! I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!"

This upset man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said, "$1000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife." The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man is getting impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

==============================================

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.

"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

============================================
 
Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex...

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
 
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